January 9th, 2025
Viral and I first met 23 years ago today. On his 23rd birthday. At the time, I lived in India, and was just visiting California. I couldn’t have imagined the shared life ahead of us. But I remember writing in my journal soon after: I know him from a long time ago. We did not stay closely in touch. But after that brief time together he was a constant sunlit presence in my consciousness. Three years, two shooting stars, and several inexplicable turns later, we were married at dawn. In a two thousand year old temple on the outskirts of Madurai. Looking back now, each step over the past 23 years feels inevitable. I cannot separate the challenges, pain or loss, from the bounty of incandescent beauty, laughter, insight and nourishment that has been given to us.
These past six months since Viral’s discharge have contained many odd couples. Joy and grief, steadfastness and disruption, gratitude and longing, confidence and utter intimidation, For Viral there are still taxing side effects; painful cramping, neuropathy and acute sensitivities. There are graft-versus-host flare-ups to navigate, and gaps in his usual capacities that can at times, feel gut-wrenching. But there is no doubt he is gaining strength on all dimensions. Physically, he is increasingly robust, able to do most daily activities without struggle. And with the support of various tools (I have never been more grateful for AI!), memory techniques, time, and his native self-possession, we see encouraging signs of his short term memory steadily returning. That he is at a point where he can consider re-engaging with some aspects of the work he loved doing is not a minor miracle.
On my end the formidable triad of chemo-surgery-radiation is over. Now there are monthly injections, daily hormone blockers and a just-begun regimen of targeted oral chemo (I am not thrilled about this.) The ramifications are not easy on my body, but I’ve been through harder. There is some strength in that fact. Life over the last year drained itself of delight, emptied my cup and then shattered it. Now it is casting its spell again. Enchanting my eyes, making me fall back in love with the world , despite everything.
For both of us this process is non-linear, rigorous, mysterious. It demands a unique form of patience, humility, faith and perseverance. Viral, even at his most vulnerable, exudes these qualities. I am gradually cultivating them. Together we are almost equal to the challenge of it all. Grace and other invisible forces make up the difference. Sometimes we take turns pulling the other out of the undertow. Sometimes we let the current take us, holding each other quietly, and letting the tears flow. In between and underneath it all, the healing continues in unnumbered moments. It is a privilege beyond fathoming. Sometimes a flash of recognition takes my breath away: This is the love story I prepared over lifetimes for.
In November of 2004 a few friends and I took on a set of poetry prompts. One of them: Write a love poem, and give it to the person who inspired it. At the time I did exactly one half of the assignment. When Viral and I got married, in the November of 2005, we had spent only a handful of days in the same zip code. Much of that time was in one of two contexts: service or stillness, and almost always with many others around. We had never shared a meal alone together, and had only spoken once in person, about the powerful sense of connection we felt. It was after that singular conversation that I completed the second half of the assignment, delivered a handwritten copy of the poem to the person it was written for. And now we have known each other for half our lives.
When I look back I catch glimmers of all the things I knew without knowing. It kindles a dark awe and a numinous wonder in my heart.
November, 2004
When you speak-
I listen
not so much to the words
as to the silences
around them.
I lean against
the railings
of my soul-
A stumbling interpreter of the unsaid
A bumbling interpreter – who said
You make this easy?
(because you don’t.)
Like a child I ask for candy and
Instead
You hand me a box
Full of-
Emptiness.
I do not understand
Why sometimes this
Should be
Enough.
It was you then
Who taught me
Of stars-
And all the other
Things drowned
by sunlight and sound
So
Know this-
When I close my eyes
You are written in that sky of darkness
Like a strange and sacred script
And the braille of your being
rises against my fingertips.
(yes I have read your secret lips)
That quiet declaration.
Of our Truth.
***
I have often prided myself on being the first one between the two of us, ‘to know.’ And over the past 19 years it hasn’t been beneath me to give Viral a hard time about being so slow 🙂 But the truth is, he was exactly on time. And it still amazes me. That, in this crowded, confusing and chaotic world, two people can find each other at all. It still fills me with reverence: Glimpsing what the heart can discover in the dark. And I am realizing now how I have been brought full spiral.
This time has shaken us loose from certain moorings of self. We are in flux in ways that are not easily visible. This means, that even as life continues in so many ordinary ways, we cannot always find ourselves or each other where we used to be. Sometimes we find we have changed places. Consciously or unconsciously trying on roles the other used to play. Viral does this with a kind of unselfconscious ease. I, with more awkwardness and resistance. I don’t blame myself for this. His feet are much bigger than mine, his shoes not easy (or even possible) to fill. I’ve always been the more easily imitable.
Pep talks for instance were never my department. It is much easier to need a pep talk than it is to deliver a good one. I am learning on the job. And Viral, who was always quick to appreciate, but was almost never bowled over, is now so frequently blown away that it is disorienting. Sometimes this tickles me and sometimes it tears me up. Sometimes I miss being the one who is more bedazzled by the other. How funny the heart can be. Once again I am wrestling with absence. Once again, listening in the dark.
A month ago, Viral woke one morning with a feeling of quiet despair about the ground yet to be covered with his recovery, and I found myself clicking into a different space. When I started speaking he began typing what I said, and as a result we have my words from that morning verbatim. The process of separating oneself from one’s stories doesn’t tend to feel pleasing… until it does. I’m not there in all moments. Each leaf falls from its tree, each raindrop from its cloud, in its own time.
And because Viral has been wanting to say something here, I’m including excerpts from a letter he wrote me for our anniversary. [You will see for yourself what I mean about his over-the-topness.]
To the dearest love of my lifetimes,
What a wild, inextricably connected, and precious journey we have been on, from January 9th 2002, to now… and from here to wherever, whenever — together we flow and grow.
I find myself tearing up, reflecting on the depth of your wisdom that continues to guide us. This period has been by far the hardest challenge of my life, bringing me face to face with an unfamiliar vulnerability — my greatest fears, sadness, insecurities. Even as I grapple with my constant question, “who am I without my memory?”, you show me how to embrace this time of transformation, this invitation from what I have named as an odd intimidation, to awe.
As you said very recently: “This time is a catalyst. It is meant to be a pointer. Anything we are feeling in this time is not a destination, it is a pointer to keep “in motion to the ocean,” our home, our true self, our “I am,” – the presence. That’s beautiful, it’s powerful, it’s a privilege – let’s not be urgent, but let’s not waste time. Let’s keep going. We get to process everything that’s happened this year. We are setting the direction for the next year, and get to cut loose in a clear way. We are not our fears. We get to dissolve identities, reconnect with our practices, find out in ourselves and in each other, who we really are.”
I am deeply touched by how your wisdom flows through our lives, from one hand to another. These moments of connection through time and space, of giving and receiving, remind me of how you and we have the gift and privilege of creating endless ripples in our togetherness. Inside and out, you’re so beautiful — the way you have held me, held our complexities, been held by me, have let me hold our complexities. Our hearts indeed feel like they’ve broken open, increasingly able to contain the whole universe — there is no way from here but upward and onward, inward and outward. We have walked in deep togetherness on that path, and you’ve inspired me to keep following it myself and ourselves — bodies, minds and spirits, being true to my/our greatest potential.
Your courage, wisdom, and love are all encompassing — your love for me, for us, for life. I am profoundly grateful for this journey of discovery with you, my beloved partner in transformation.
With ever-growing togetherness in wisdom and love,
v
The Poetry Of 